Screamer, Nothin’ But A Screamer…

(sung to the tune “Dreamer” by SuperTramp)

Well, it’s 10:30 pm on a Monday night. What should have been a nice quiet Monday night.

We put baby Juliette to sleep around 7:30 – she seemed tired and happy to go to bed. This is usually a joyful moment for Becoming-A-Mom and Becoming-A-Dad as it means we get a bit of quiet time to ourselves before bedtime.

She’s not the best sleeper around. Sure, she goes to bed relatively early and reasonably easily, but she still gets up 3-5 times per night and will not go back to sleep on her own. She still insists on her night-time snacks from Becoming-A-Mom’s milk dispensers.

The worst part is that she hears the creak of the floor as we walk down the hallway and enter the bedroom, waking on cue demanding her milk ration. No matter how quietly and slowly we try to walk, she’s got one ear cocked to pick up this sound and Bingo! she’s awake and wanting to be addressed.

Tonight. Tonight is a different story. As I type this she’s just been carried into the bedroom by a rather tired Frustrated-Becoming-A-Mom. On cue she just let out a couple of cries of displeasure knowing that she’s been put back to bed. Note that it’s after 10:30 pm.

Becoming-A-Mom took her to bed around 7:30, so about 8 pm the little monkey was asleep. *aaahhhh* some nice quiet time to ourselves. This fleeting state of bliss lasted until about 9:15 pm (side note: more whimpers coming from the bedroom. I’m hiding.) when I heard faint cries of Juliette waking up. When this happens she will normally fall back to sleep within a few minutes of crying.

Not tonight. She heard me walking back and forth down the hallway, those blasted creaks the floor makes giving up my position and betraying the fact that I was nearby and ignoring her. The cries increased in intensity and frequency.

An eternal optimist, I ignored the crying hoping she’d fall back asleep. Fifteen minutes later the soft cries had turned to angry shrieks and wails of outrage. How DARE you ignore the QUEEN! Working herself into a grand lather, she was now well beyond any hope of falling asleep on her own.

A quick consultation with the wiser portion of this couple and Becoming-A-Dad walked into the bedroom and spoke softly to baby Juliette, telling her that we knew she was awake and that she needed to calm down and go to sleep. I stood near the crib but didn’t touch her (as instructed). After 2 minutes of this I quickly ran away. Score: Juliette 1, Parents 0.

Another quick consultation, and this time I took a chair into the room with me. By this point Juliette was on all fours raising her head up and letting loose thunderous yells. Seeing me enter the room she ramped up her volume and anger level 14 notches higher. I set the chair down beside the crib and in my most soothing and reasonable voice talked to her and asked her to please calm down and go to sleep. Explaining that I was there to watch over her and keep her safe but she needed to go back to sleep. The yelling continued. Juliette now started rolling and thrashing about in pure violent anger, her face a bright red and her mouth a cavernous chamber putting forth over 180 decibels of sonic power. Faced with an overwhelming force, I ran away again. Score: Juliette 2, Parents 0.

I consulted with The Master once again, telling her that I was going to pick up the screamin’ demon and see if I couldn’t settle her down. Gathering all the courage I could, I headed back into the bedroom and picked Juliette up and held her close to my chest. I am now deaf in both ears. At least 3 minutes of intense high-volume and furious screaming continued before Becoming-A-Mom came by to for a situation report. The crying stopped instantly. For about 5 seconds. Before resuming. At the same high volume. Luckily I was deaf by this point but could see the air recoiling around Juliette’s mouth from the force of the screaming.

What followed was a stunning display of parental concern and naiveté. Because she was so upset and wouldn’t stop crying, we of course thought that something else was wrong. Teething. Gas. Indigestion. Constipation. Allergic reaction to the broccoli we just fed her. Gas. Must be Gas.

So I pumped her legs and massaged her belly while Becoming-A-Mom looked on. This did not improve anything. Several minutes passed. My deafness increased. The silence did not come.

Finally I picked her up and took her out of the bedroom. Voila! A quiet baby. A quiet baby who broke out into broad smiles. Little brat! Becoming-A-Mom gave her a Baby Mum Mum rice cracker and all was well. Baby Juliette got exactly what she wanted – out of the bedroom and a nice snack. So we let her sit and watch TV (we know, we know. But you try to deal with a SCREAMING baby for over 40 minutes) with Becoming-A-Mom. I ran away once again and started writing this.

It’s now 10:55 pm. It’s been quiet for at least 10 minutes, so I dare not enter the bedroom or walk down the halls or seek any Ibuprofen for the monsterous headache I have.

Instead I will finish typing this, wipe away some of the blood pouring from my ears and go sleep on the couch. And grab a bottle of cognac on the way.