Jets of Poo

Today I had yet another first… I’ve become a Dad who’s been pooped on by their otherwise utterly adorable baby.

Well, to clarify – I was sprayed with a high-pressure stream of fecal ejectus fresh from the little ejector. It was not a pleasant experience and I loath to experience it again, but something tells me I’m going to be getting this treatment a lot in the coming weeks.

So the title “Jets of Poo” really do describe what happened.

Imagine this: little adorable baby Peach is waking up and obviously hungry. Becoming a Dad is being forced to wake up (a) because Becoming a Mom has just woken him up to watch over baby Peach and (b) baby Peach is busy making all sorts of grumpy growls and wake-up wild animal noises. Mere inches from my right ear. At high volume.

Becoming a Dad decides to wait for Becoming a Mom to have a shower and finish brushing her teeth before getting up to change baby Peach’s diaper. Changing the diaper will no doubt fully waken Peach, which means the little growls and wake-up noises will soon turn into ear-splitting sonic blasts of her I’M HUNGRY! cries. And no one appreciates that, especially a bleary-eyed Dad who’d really just like to lie in bed quietly for the next 3 days.

In a few minutes Mom gets out of the shower, so Dad dutifully picks up his adorable precious baby Peach and heads for the change table. Dad turns on the CD player with her favorite tunes on it and immediately she settles down and starts to jive a bit to the music. Dad takes this break in the bedlam to quickly undo her little outfit and pull off her dirty diaper, wipe up the traces of poo from her bum and slide a new diaper in place. He picks up the hairdrier and gently dries off little baby’s bum – and promptly gets a jet of pee fired in his general direction!

Quick hands and a sixth-sense of when these jets are coming somehow allowed Becoming a Dad to deftly flip the front of the diaper up and over to catch the outflow – not even a tiny drop gets outside the diaper. He gives himself little back-slaps of self congratulations on his skill and perception.

He pulls the now wet diaper out and blots little baby Peach’s nether regions, then pulls out the hair dryer to blow her dry again. He makes the fateful error in judgement not to put another diaper in place. He finishes blow-drying baby Peach’s butt and puts the drier down, looking to the side for a brief second.

Ppppttttt!!! A farting sound, and immediately a warm sensation on the front of his belly. He looks down to see the horrific sight of bright yellow seedy baby poo stuck to his t-shirt and shorts! And while he’s looking, PPPTTTT!! PHHTTT!! he gets to witness another couple hyper-sonic jets of poo shoot out from his beloved child and spray the nearby floor and furniture.

The sheer horror of it is far too much to endure, and he cries out to no avail. He grabs the wet diaper and slaps it over the source of the jets of poo in the nick of time as more PHHHTTTT! sounds let him know that another few jets of poo are being released.

Time slows and stops for Becoming a Dad. He becomes aware of a low terrifying yowl in his ears, only to realize that it’s he who’s making it. He looks down to survey the mess of dark-yellow wet sticky poop on the front of his shirt and shorts as well as on the floor, chair and nearby baby outfit. In a daze he removes the soiled diaper and folds up the towel on the changing mattress so his darling child isn’t lying on a poopy surface. He cleans her up and quickly fastens a new diaper in place.

Becoming a Mom has miraculously appeared and laughing while helping wipe up some of the mess. Becoming a Dad hands off the source of the jets of poo to Becoming a Mom and mournfully surveys the mess. He sighs, taking off his shirt and shorts. Rinsing them under the tap, he watches the bright yellow flecks circle the drain and eventually go down. With a sigh he grabs the dirty towel and wipes up the remaining poop splatters, rinses it off in the sink and wishes he had a tequila. It’s now 11 am and the day is only beginning.

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As a side note, this is also a test. I’m waiting to see how long it takes for this page to make #1 spot in a Google search for the phrase, “jets of poo”. Can’t be long – currently there aren’t a lot of those pages out there.

Update May 16, 2009: I’ve succeeded! Do a Google search with quotes for “jets of poo”… This post comes up number 1. Doesn’t work without the quotes but hey, small victories!

Update August 5, 2009: Even better – “jets of poo” searched without quotes comes up number 1. Check it out: http://www.google.com/search?q=jets+of+poo