Torments of Pregnancy

Seriously, I can’t understand why we continue to reproduce at all. Pregnancy is not fun at all. This is just a short list of a few things you’re going to endure:

• Flatulence
• Muscle aches and pains
• Snoring
• Overheating
• Disturbed and poor overall sleep

Flatulence… let me tell you, this is possibly the worst. Here I am, walking down the aisle at our local grocery store when all of a sudden I’m gasping and blinking back tears. I’ve unwittingly walked into Ms. Pregnancy’s unfiltered emissions. After nearly passing out I make it through the invisible cloud of death, only to be greeted by the angry stares of other shoppers who think I just cut the cheese. Sheesh.

The muscle aches and pains are coupled with the next three – poor sleep, snoring and overheating. Every night for the past week I’ve woken up with an incredibly painful backache because Becoming-a-Mom has jammed her knee into my lower back. I’m sure it’s all subconscious and not at all an intentional reminder of the suffering she’s going through.

The snoring is something else. Imagine the classic snoring of Fred Flintstone – loud growling inhale followed by a whistling exhale. In this case it’s more like loud growling inhale followed by a PFOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHH as she simultaneously exhales through her nose and mouth. The best part about this is she’s facing me so I’m awoken by her blowing directly into my nose.

Overheating is a common theme here. Since the beginning of the third trimester of her pregnancy she’s been very warm all the time. Even though we’re having the coldest and snowiest winter on record (it usually only snows once in a decade here) she’s warm – contrasted to her normal cold hands and feet. What this means is that she’s gone from being the blanket croc to kicking them off. Either off the end of the bed, freezing me in the process or piling them up on me so I’m suffocating under the added warmth.

All this adds up to continuously disrupted and poor quality of sleep. Add in the ponderous earthquake-replicating rolling in the night and you get the picture.

*sigh*

The best part: this is only the beginning. Just wait until we get the “can I borrow the car?” shouted across the room.