A Guy’s 14 Mental Stages of Pregnancy

For me at least. So far.

1. Huh?
2. Niggling sensation that something is not quite right
3. Something definitely is not right
4. OH CRAP!! Stick turned blue! (Panic Attack)
5. Oblivious acceptance – okay sure, you’re pregnant
6. HOLY CRAP!! moment, usually coincidental to viewing an ultrasound (Panic Attack)
7. Dawning realization that pregnancy more than just a concept but involves the arrival of a chronically pooping baby
8. Abject terror – I’m too young to die to have a baby (Panic Attack)
9. Thrilled giddiness – feeling the baby kick through Mom’s belly (Panic Attack)
10. Restrained terror – “Oh shit, life’s gotta change” (Panic Attack)
11. Gotta-Build-A-House (with a furnished basement for them to spend the next 35 years) (Panic Attack)
12. Tired resignation  – looking for foreign boarding schools, medical experiments to sign them up to
13. Preparation – buying baby clothes and looking at cribs and strollers (Panic Attack)
14. Search for an escape – apply to the French Foreign Legion as a practice target (Chronic Panicking)